when skies are blue.

2011-06-20T13:48:00.001+08:00

goodbye.

ask me for the new address if you want. :)

2011-06-04T22:49:00.002+08:00

crap feeling the pang

2011-06-01T14:09:00.000+08:00

Top 5 regrets patients admit on their deathbed, written by palliative care nurse: http://www.newstalk1010.com/shows/johnmoore/blogentry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10217882

i'll bear them in mind. :)

i'm not breathing well again.
i need a mirror to tell me what i have been doing.

2011-05-23T10:41:00.035+08:00

---
If we do not acknowledge the distance, we cannot shorten it.
When we do not ask as we wish, perhaps because we worry of the appropriateness, we never fill that void. Sometimes, it's just because I judge too much and deem my thoughts silly too quickly.
---
With FB, when i think of someone, I just 'search' that person, read some updates about him or her and feel like I've done my part in keeping in touch. Yet, that person never knows of it, the concern is never conveyed. Just like how I never know who views my page with a tad more concern.
---
i realize the only way for me to get started with something is to be at peace with myself.
---
watched a video and the girl asked why must all beautiful things in the world look the same. we don't have to only like ourselves when we are stereotypically pretty and perfect. :)
---

Living like (as) an Adult.

2011-05-21T20:05:00.005+08:00

During lunch with siblings a while ago, this title came into my mind.

What does it entail to live like an adult? I am just starting to have a glimpse of it.

When I first lived with Sis in the States, I thought my sister was a little self-centered – not sharing cups. I learnt gradually that that’s taking very good care of herself. On the other hand, I thought she was really abled too. Then I realise it’s just growing up.

Losing my favourite person in the world must have hastened this process. I have to constantly deal with the loss, one that never fails to pain.

Just a day after her wake, my maid left. Then I moved into hostel, and went through some very very down times. Two months later, I am back in the comfort of home, reflecting on the difference, made up of many little changes.

My favourite person knew what she was in for after her first few visits to the hospital and requested for a maid. She said it was finally time for her to ‘enjoy’ life. No one objected henceforth but I realise much later it was more to lighten the load for the family. All of us were almost completely spared from chores. Having a maid instead of us to take care of her daily needs, she made the sacrifice of spending less time with her loved ones.

Now, I set time aside for the family and chores at home, to change the bedsheets, to wash the toilet, to fold clothes and pack my wardrobe, to wipe dust off the shelves. I also need more sleep, need to find food, to ‘make’ myself happy.
At 21 now, no one is there to remind me of my inadequacies, of my ignorance to worldly affairs, of my daily routine. No one is observing me everyday to see if I have had a good day.

Each of them came about due to many reasons, and growing up is just one convenient way for me to lump them all together.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aunt reminded me to be nice to my parents, as they get older year after year.

They have given me the liberty to pursue my interests, my dreams since young. Many times, it was disguised in unloving remarks. Almost naturally, I wrongly mistook this lack of interference for lack of concern. I was upset many times and Aunt was my refuge because she would aptly express her overflowing concern for me, making me feel so loved.

I am starting to understand their reluctance. Every trip I undertake affects them because I do. I expose them to incessant worrying, much more than the daily concern, everyday of the trip. Also, it probably begins much earlier.

Come to think of it, how could I have doubted their love for me? They love me as much as I love them, if not more, and I will never want them to doubt me :)

Well, one positive spinoff I see from the past 3 months is that I am more concerned of my safety and well-being now.

Because I know I will get my way again if I decide on going to India, I hesitate. I am worried of the possible danger. I do not know if my a little tired heart still wants to take the negative feelings, whether it just comes as a bout initially, or a teeny throughout.

I remember my sister mention her wish specifically for me was for me to be independent, so that I can take pride in whatever I have done and achieved at every stage of my life.

To live the way I really want to, independently, I sense the need for some changes to my routine, to my decisions and choices, to my lifestyle, albeit experiencing a little inertia, I am glad that I do not dread it.

For now, I want to take time off Facebook to really listen to myself, and write. ☺

2011-05-20T12:05:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder who reads my blog but I shall post anyway. Too much to post this request on Facebook.

Anyone wants to travel to Vietnam between 23rd June to 1st July?
I'm going there with 2 friends, inviting close friends to join. More people more fun + more brains to deal with the potentially uncanny locals that we might run into.

Also, I might be going to India this coming July. It's approved so this is one big decision I have to make, hence taking ownership of the decision, including potential loneliness, dietary mismatch and risks. I AM CONSIDERING, hard.

2011-05-20T10:30:00.001+08:00

Time to blog something in response to all the pensiveness.

I have been drowning in the almost still air of the library for days, with minimal work done. Before I condemn myself as a failure and spend the following days feeling pathetic and despondent, I come to realise another side to this and nothing can make this more permanent than writing it down in words. The negative ions during shower work wonders!

The low productivity was time spent alone, with myself. I let my mind wander and finally began to gather some of what it has to say. I needed to know that things weren't going right.

I am ambitious, but self-fulfilling prophecies never fail to cause much disappointment again and again. I thought I knew what I always wanted earlier this year, but realised I had never been really specific about it. These days as I tried to be, I learnt where I fell short. Not that this will warrant a change in course or major, I just yearn for more complete knowledge to own the decision. Maybe I do not need to fret over the precision of the final goal, the little dreams I have along the way can make up my life too :)
As obscure as Personal Legend sounds, I am starting to understand what it entails. There is only one for everyone, exclusive indeed. I want to walk out the path of my life the way I really want to. I am answering to no one but myself, because should I steer in anyone’s favour, it is my decision to follow. Likewise, should there be any deviations, I blame no one. Because when I take full responsibility, I do not become the victim.
I thought I was self-worthy but the terrible insecurity won me over again and again. When I sense the similarity between my works and those of my peers, I immediately downplayed my value.
Now I realised I lost sight of the big picture. I mistook them as contenders in this battlefield when they are but counterparts, or even just passers-by who crossed my path. What lies beneath the similar fate is every emotion, thought and deed during these works, mine I rightfully own, even the decision to downplay is mine. I was seeing every good of theirs, and feeling bad about them, just to realise that's what I have chosen to focus on. This cleared my mind a little.

I thought I knew about my unbending perfectionism towards writing and thought nothing more about it. It was at times, a chore and at some other times, a wild dream. Now, I come to accept that it might be where my heart lies too. I just like it!

If you know me well enough, you'll probably realise I am self-restrained. A free spirit bound by rope-thick constraints. I have not been at peace with myself many times because I easily feel as if I have erred in doing something I did not approve of when I was younger. Thoughts in the archaic side of the mind speak so loudly at times I can hardly hear my heart. However, I come to realise the need to be forgiving, to others, and more importantly, to myself, so that I can let go of my negative feelings, soon after they are borne.

Much of these are just words running through my mind, that I have to pen them down so that new inspirations can eventually replace.

I apologise if this seems kinda cryptic.

2011-05-20T10:21:00.001+08:00

One thing about letters and cards and the handmade is that i keep them forever. I still have p1 stuff. ☺ (though I'm a tad reluctant to put myself through this -- being awfully touched but knowing it's gone like the wind and the sender probably does not mean the same anymore, especially if we have drifted apart.)

So I was reading through some a few days ago. It dawned onto me that I had not really considered managing a relationship with anyone i knew back in JC or before. If it's not spelt out in my face, i just denied whatever my senses told me and convinced myself otherwise. I deliberated, and pulled away, not giving chance to love. Maybe I was freaked out. And so, I was a huge dreamer who treated love as a taboo. Ouch.

2011-05-15T20:49:00.000+08:00

could not blog for the past few days because of some error with blogger! i think i wanted to post like 3 times. back from batam. talk more soon.

2011-05-10T10:04:00.002+08:00

i did something wrong today..
i need to reflect.
it's been a while since I last thought things through and put it away.

what happened in term 2. how have i been affected. what are important to me.

because "Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it badly" - Paulo Coelho

2011-05-08T20:01:00.004+08:00

gosh. what a liberating read. simply gratifying. made me realise how much i look up to the power of words.

what's better, it taught me some things so crazily important. :)

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement.. " now i realise it isn't :)

2011-05-06T12:58:00.001+08:00

watched 881... awesome:)

couldn't find the other lyrics., just this:

一人一半感情不散
一人一素故感情才会久

时光累计安静的泪滴
一心去追爱那么可贵

Chorus：
这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

已经找到爱为何要离开

la~~

时光累计安静的泪滴
一心去追爱那么可贵

Repeat Chorus*

一人一半感情不散
已经找到爱为何要离开
已经找到爱为何先离开

2011-05-06T12:36:00.005+08:00

I realise it might be easier for me to start being nice to my friends. Sometimes, I get upset because their responses were not enthusiastic, and that became my reason to reply similarly. That resulted in a not yet hostile, but unpleasant message thread.
#1: Initiating does not allow me not to use the right tone. Afterall, it is my intention to sound happy, because they make me happy! :)
---
I have to learn to treat sms as a way to ARRANGE MEETUPS than to KEEP IN TOUCH so that I would not take each message too seriously and spend too long thinking too much into one.
---
I love how Danish turned smoking from perhapsgettingalittlecool to UNCOOL ☺ Sweet. When can Singapore do the same? And not like what today’s paper said, allow cheaper cigarettes into the market when the policy taken was a price hike.
---
I hope the election hype means that our people are hopeful for the nation, concerned for their fellow countrymen, not just themselves.
---

suddenly felt like i haven't talked to her for some time.
i wanted to do so like how i used to do upon that realisation.
but this time, i didn't know how to go about it.
i wondered where she was.
and it dawned onto me that i can never again.

2011-05-06T12:35:00.002+08:00

最害怕的是最终的一片空白
也许没什么大不了的

他没有权力拿你未来的人生当爱情的陪葬品

2011-04-24T09:27:00.006+08:00

Misunderstanding breeds unhappiness.
A little effort everyday is key to happiness.
Just as i started to think I had wasted too much time, and was about to change my ways.

As I watch from a third party's point of view, i realize how many small unthoughtful deeds made up one argument, which resulted in an unhappy, cold morning at home.
How my parents are really... Biased.
How brother and i function
How much experience matters, even in non-professional situations.

Good friday was fun-filled, finally meeting up with more people. :)
Did something really silly yesterday.. And going to do something crazy later, as crazy as.. Meeting my dearest. :D indulge ttm.

And that concludes my weekend. A hectic week of apex begins, along with school.
Think I've subconsciously made myself accept parting and separation. So well it's compromising on my experience. Perhaps i should start feeling again

For once, may I not dread this experience, because I believe it's gonna be memorable :)

This is my first time blogging on touch screen.

2011-04-22T17:53:00.001+08:00

Many thoughts today.
I shall try to write about them later.

Just lyrics of some songs I have been listening to, because of the show

天空佈滿灰色轉眼就下雨了
我心中的苦澀又有誰會懂呢
愛適不適合需要交換的眼神
我卻不懂你了你明天的選擇

說好的約定呢現在誰先忘了
喝掉你的可樂聽你愛唱的歌
愛太捉弄了我太單純不成熟
下一個生日呢你會不會在呢

愛不停淚不停祝我傷日快樂
我的心就過癮流轉那些片刻
我們曾認真許願的白鴿
已經飛到哪去了
再也不回來了

*風不停笑不停祝我傷日快樂
喚不醒就放棄真可惜受傷了
我們的痛換下一刻值得
值得我們開心的慶祝生日快樂
應該是要微笑的等傷全都癒合

愛不能不停止走了
我的心放下了你刺痛的快樂

------------
刚下过雨的天空
带不走我的心痛
他曾经是我们
最美好的时刻
我和你撑一把伞
走过泥泞的路口
没想过爱只是一场短暂烟火
当我想起了那首歌
回忆拉回过去种种
那是我们曾经爱过的片刻
当我想起了那首歌
那首歌就是你和我
好怕有一天会忘记你轮廓
刚下过雨的天空
带不走我的心痛
他曾经是我们
最美好的时刻

我和你撑一把伞
走过泥泞的路口
没想过爱只是一场短暂烟火
当我想起了那首歌
回忆拉回过去种种
那是我们曾经爱过的片刻
当我想起了那首歌
那首歌就是你和我
好怕有一天会忘记你轮廓
当我想起了那首歌
回忆拉回过去种种
爱过的片刻
当我想起了那首歌
那首歌就是你和我
好怕有一天会忘记你轮廓
好怕有一天会忘记你

2011-04-21T00:55:00.006+08:00

Home-cooked dinner, slow pleasurable shower and awesome blueberry-filled chocolate cupcakes are making my night so delightful.

Just want to jot down some after thoughts about the movie I just watched.

No Strings Attached (2011)

Gratifying treat for myself this afternoon.

Emotional attachment is never intentional... Maybe because technology allows us to manipulate so many workings in life, we thought we could do s0 to our hearts too.

The way they rejected love was almost silly... However that resembles moi. They might be able to start differently, as if they were unlike others. They were probably really doing what they could to protect themselves, to save time and emotions, to be hedonistic.
Yet, eventually, they just could not go against human nature to desire more, to desire love, no? They still fell in love :)
Maybe the way the process of a relationship was reversed in the show wasn't all that unbecoming... Made love seem to be harder to get than the benefits. Is that why things work that way abroad?

Haha, certainly, the stunning pair deserve some credit for their intense chemistry. Once or twice, when talking about movies, it just slips my mind to remark about how well the actors are. I think it's because their sheer awesomeness allows me to concentrate on the watching experience instead. :)

Never realise I dislike changes. Just want an anchor so that every other endeavour the adventurous spirit in me wants to undertake feels less perilous. Totally fear the idea of being in different arms. Or wrong ones. Guess that explains the sky-high expectations and perpetual uncertainty.

I can feel some sense driven into me these days though, how I should not be hard on myself and people.

Photo-shoot tomorrow at noon at Marina Bay! May this unscrew my body clock! :)

Notice: I really want a job from late May!

2011-04-20T18:45:00.004+08:00

Oh gosh. This is driving me crazy.
Such a sucker for romance.
I enter a state of trance, almost, every single time!
I need to end this decadent lifestyle soon!
Before it slowly robs away my sanity, of the times off the screen.

It was probably the best therapy to sing right after exams.
Absolutely liberating to sing to the tunes that tided me through the dreary exam period.
It really was not too long ago, but thankfully, completely, completely over!
I don't recall feeling such a huge relief anytime in the past.
It was only for a week or two and I was going bonkers.
Kind of wonder how I survived As now.

Something persists though. No less.
And that is just how much I miss my dearest aunt mum, miss her concern, her spirit, her love.
Still can't quite believe i can never look into her large sparkling eyes again, feel her warm touch, and listen to her most endearing words and sounds.
.
Something bothers me a little, because I really am not all that tough.
Yet as much as the temptation grows, fear growls and gnaws it all.

Many things await and taking things in stride feels so difficult.
May I fight this crazily immense inertia soon.

2011-04-12T04:32:00.001+08:00

can't help wanting to write more.

perhaps this bugging fear of nothing in particular is just a euphemism for short-sightedness.
perhaps these pangs of inadequacy would be better off fueling an insatiable appetite for fulfillment in life.

before these impulses lose to reality when dawn breaks, and i sink into confusion and self-oppression, i have to sleep.

good night world.

2011-04-12T04:14:00.001+08:00

awfully inspired.

2011-04-05T23:38:00.001+08:00

BACK from beijing..
could have tried to talk to more people i guess, but it was still fun :)

feeling nostalgic about many things.
passers-by come and go.
maybe because i think everyone will leave someday,
something inside will hold me back at every encounter.

the more i suspect one will leave,
the more i will try not to treasure the present,
thinking that i was trying to be detached,
thinking that that will save me from sadness later
but indeed, it just brings more regrets, brings less happiness.

a little irritable, a little touchy now.
i slept more than the rest last night, slept more on the plane, and still napped when i reached home. what is this.
time to study!!!
5 days to the FIRST PAPER.

freaking out. really freaking out.

2011-03-29T02:04:00.000+08:00

a group of friends said i looked exceptionally happy today :) radiant? very different?! like something really great happened and i'm all positive about life. yay hope this lasts :)

2011-03-27T21:24:00.001+08:00

i don't like to lose touch with people urghhhhhhhh

2011-03-18T22:14:00.002+08:00

This is truly one of my worst weeks ever.
I shall spare the details.

People who are there for me,
people who aren't.
Once again, affirmed my pessimism of reality.

Sometimes, it feels like i am craving for sympathy.
I should stop showing so much of my weak sides.

It will be okay because i'm strong.
Not that I don't feel weak, just that i'll keep acting strong till I pull through.

2011-03-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

very sad today. family has been talking about aunt the entire night. to feel less bad i guess. i have lost someone so important.

2011-03-10T06:38:00.004+08:00

aunt left yesterday morning, with a smile, and an eternally loving and kind heart.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

miss you so much, and it shall be so forever. because love is forever.

2011-03-07T17:37:00.001+08:00

扎西德勒祝福生命成长，在孤单时你一定要坚强扎西德勒微笑中有阳光，不放弃的人都拥有希望 :)

2011-02-28T22:15:00.004+08:00

time could be better spent doing sth like studying for fa or going out for supper and not here. but oh well.

been on an emotional roller-coaster these days. trying to feel better though :) i am also on my way to cultivating a habit. DAY 1. 2/30 ;) hope to start the other one soon :)
when you let go of comparisons, and realise how everyone is just unique, life gets a tad better. gotta constantly remind myself :)
a little hesitant about hostel.

today, yj scolded me for saying too many thank yous :) i know i really won't want to trouble people but i never realised i've been doing that. but may i do it again here... thank you to the people who made me feel that teeny weeny bit loved today, and recently :) shall be a little more stingy with my love. haha. care for ppl who care for me

2011-02-25T08:17:00.000+08:00

People just like to be special?

2011-02-24T14:57:00.000+08:00

feeling rock bottom low. i can't stop thinking about it. aunt's in the hospice now. always sleeping, talking so minimally. cried in the shower. yes, i'm very scared :( smiling feels wrong.. birthday used to be something i looked forward so much what now. the heart and its familiar constricted feeling

2011-02-22T10:21:00.001+08:00

another of those things to remember for life

it's kinda hard to forget..
the previous didn't seem too long ago.

when it's just for something you like
i shouldn't have assumed people know.
i'm just not good enough
significantly so
but because i want to be strong
i will do whatever to be considered so
there must be things i did wrongly this time.
i will try harder next time.
i promise.
but people who want badly to be strong still feel sad.
no anger, less disappointment. just... sadness.
much more than i had expected.

2011-02-19T12:15:00.001+08:00

aunt's very sick now. going in and out of hospital. the bad week is over. time to breathe. :) it's my way of dealing, because importance is my heart's calling you have no idea how much your passing remark hurts. you and you. even if we don't talk. how awesome.

2011-02-16T09:23:00.003+08:00

i shall try harder not to be too stubborn. and not say what i don't mean :)
all that happened did for a reason.
like how she said 'yea, i'll emerge stronger, like you'. oh gosh. hahahaha.

i feel bad neglecting some important people,
a little caught up with learning to manage school.
and being silly thinking too much about bday. :/

valentine's.. overrated as everyone says.. didn't get to try many things in school though.
i like celebrations. wheee

aunt's discharged. at home playing sudoku <3

2011-02-05T14:20:00.001+08:00

because i am definitely stronger than what you think. :)

2011-02-05T14:12:00.000+08:00

this is amusing me to bits okay maybe i should go do something more useful i want to go bangladesh if only aunt's condition allows ayyyyi hahahahahahaha i'm not making sense how ah because im so very high now hehehehehe just want to pen this down

2011-02-04T01:29:00.000+08:00

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

2011-02-02T12:45:00.003+08:00

feel enlightened. guess that's the envt i need :) time to be uncomfortable. :) happy cny eve!

2011-02-01T12:42:00.001+08:00

why do i always want so much to tell so much :s

2011-01-31T09:50:00.002+08:00

i wonder who is willing to celebrate my birthday with me at macs. hahaha.
restaurants at dempsey hill looks like a must go :)
woots. i saw quite a few exciting things that i want to go, but they are too costly.
obstacle courses, laser guns, paintball, forest adventure, rock-climbing, water balls, zoo, some kid's world... i want to go!! :/ geees :)

did some research on NGOs abroad. think i'll donate to international lifeline fund. :)
locally, i feel like visiting more homes. since it's within my reach, perhaps it's more important to bring a smile to them.

realise i won't be able to decide which organisation to donate to since there are countless out there and they are all in need.
can only ask myself which i am really passionate for. :)

it has been raining for... days? :/

oh no! i'm in holiday mood already!
dyed hair, nails and earrings. oops. but i have not taken off my specs! :):)

it's aunt mum's birthday today! <3 love her so much.

2011-01-29T09:14:00.002+08:00

finally found a reason for the distinctive behavior. nice and not to the extremes. haha. the lack of respect that everyone deserves.

2011-01-28T12:32:00.002+08:00

gosh. sucks to be rejected for something you are HAPPY with.
i can't believe it still bothers me that a little.
i shall not give up

on the other hand, it really feels great to have something seemingly impossible slant towards reality. especially something you feel strongly for. :)

whatever it is, for now, stay calm. breathe in. breathe out. :)
:):):):):)

2011-01-26T00:13:00.001+08:00

some people just matter much. accept and don't have to make sense of it :)

2011-01-16T16:31:00.002+08:00

so many fun things to do
i thought they were crystal clear
just got to work through them one by one
but i think somehow all those things and some whatsoever messed up my feelings TODAY
feeling quite bad.
:(

it's probably time to move the blog again. the need to alternate between two gmail accounts is hindering me from blogging more often. haha.
i'm a fb addict. gosh. QUIT!

2011-01-16T01:40:00.001+08:00

oh no. suddenly miss friend in cambodia.

2011-01-12T10:33:00.001+08:00

received sth really nice yday. amazing how lovely it has been.. after years! :)

oops. and i feel the mountain budging. hahahaha. scary!
because i realise there's no good reason. i really don't understand :)

(sorry, while i try to be more direct in my speech, let me unleash my cryptic self here! :))

someone caught me smiling to myself after class yesterday.
SURVIVING a 6.5hr-lesson day can make me that happy?!
oh well :)
it feels great to be contented, despite the tons that had happened, and will happen.

2011-01-11T09:01:00.001+08:00

yay. first day of week 2 later!! mm...

just a little harder
for what you want

i wish i were happier in sch :/ zz.

surprise!!!

2011-01-10T13:48:00.001+08:00

?!?! okay....... thank you! ><

tell or ask me something? :)

2011-01-06T11:59:00.003+08:00

guess it's worth it to go through all the trouble for a mod. gonna put it into use man >< getting bogged down.. what i express is inversely proportional to the amount of negative emotions i feel... but i like to share positive ones:)
some reasons are worse than others. and this is one that i really cannot cannot cannot give in to. oh no.. ):
gosh. i need someone to knock some econs sense into me!!

2011-01-05T08:27:00.000+08:00

.. to the corners of the world. feeling sick today

2011-01-02T18:08:00.002+08:00

2010 is over... i shall do a short recap.

spent the countdown in cambodia. with the awesome people. i vividly recall how much fun we had on the last day with the kids. playing childhood games, running about under the moonlight. :)

working in SCC, meeting awesome colleagues who turned into friends, clients and friendly bosses. from folding letters on the first day, to marketing, to f&b, it had been great fun. i won't have stayed on if otherwise. more importantly, having to answer to various departments and staff, facing office politics, staying till late for events, meeting clients and clinching deals even though i was only a part-timer. though it gets vexing at times, i really learnt a lot :) riding in the buggy overseeing greenery, friendly colleagues who brighten my day with a wave hello and smile. awesome coffee and tea.
perhaps it's my selective memory at play again, what i remember now seem so pleasant :)

receiving results and rushing uni apps. i remember that birthday was great, the numerous surprises were much loved. :)

though i had to rush to and fro from work, i continued with tutoring because it made me happy. i still remember how the p4 science kids never failed to make my day. my boy is so sensible for his age. and his sister is so adorable. the few times he cried and confided in me, my heart went to him. and of course, my other tutees too. i miss them much now! :)

then i left for states for nearly a month. visiting san francisco, bay area and canada.
the time of my life. seriously. traveling with my loved ones. looking back at the photos, i just like how happy i look in them :)

finally, sis returned for good, after 9 whole years.

then it was all about starting school in smu. going for camps. lonely at times, i like the multitude of possibilities :)

nepal! enjoyed the trip much. :))

in between, i helped out here and there... went for events and camps..
most importantly, i'm thankful to have my aunt around throughout :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that very much summed things up.

Have been seeing a lot of things from people around me recently.
Sweet things. And of course, nasty ones.

When they fell through,
I learnt that what I thought I knew of you was wrong.
I find the truth unacceptable.
The decision just tells of me and I will take responsibility of it.

For something that i was indulging in,
I've decided to stand firm on my roots! :)

I believe that this sem will be better! Omy... School's starting soon!

Happy new year everyone! :)

hey baona stay strong!

2010-12-30T16:39:00.003+08:00

thank you! :)

tell or ask me something? :)

wow not bad :O -sr

2010-12-30T16:39:00.001+08:00

hehe of course ;)

tell or ask me something? :)

2010-12-30T09:53:00.000+08:00

i found the antidote. at least for now. :)

2010-12-29T14:30:00.001+08:00

i've been overly optimistic.
aunt's condition is bad.
she is so weak,
but put up a strong front,
which i was almost taken in by.

morphine was largely behind it.
recently, because zin thought 2pm is past midnight,
her medication screwed up,
pain aggravated.

after a sleepless night,
she woke up, full with angst.
she could think right,
but could not speak properly.
she could not recall the right words to use,
not even 'handphone'.
she called the wrong names.
her sane mind could not pardon herself,
she kept shouting,
more like a bellow,
every now and then,
hoping to relieve the breathlessness,
and frustration from within.

then comes the nurse,
and more steroids.

i can't set my mind on anything now
i'm scared. :(
very very very scared

what are you lost about?

2010-12-28T10:18:00.001+08:00

whether to leave for nepal. sorry that i lagged for so long..

tell or ask me something? :)

sup, guess who this is :3 -sr

2010-12-28T10:16:00.001+08:00

haha my primary school friend? :)

tell or ask me something? :)

2010-12-24T12:08:00.008+08:00

THE TRIP

- i admitted to some fear which did not make me more vulnerable than I ever was, just more at ease. for instance, i didn't dare to go on the streets alone in broad daylight. ><
- i witnessed the joy of living in the present and learnt to suspend my judgments for greater things.
- i learnt that I do not have to bear the struggle to be absolute, because I am made of of many absolutes, not. thought a lot on the flight back to spore. it was one of the really bad days, giddy nauseous and alone on foreign lands ><
- i made a big decision myself, whether to and when to come back for aunt. sacrifices involved but am contented that i left at a time when the the ocip experience felt somewhat complete.
- i am in the process of dreaming again. this time, i want to really listen to my heart!
- I like to travel! want to walk to corners of the world :)

will update more about the trip itself soon. it was definitely enjoyable. thanks gazaab and the ones who care:)

meanwhile, happy xmas eve! :) i'm kinda sick though.. sore throat, flu and rashes.. :s

The way to heal a broken heart is to trust :)

2010-11-30T09:20:00.002+08:00

tell me what to do. i really do not know. with the countdown timer ticking away, i am lost. really lost.

2010-11-28T16:05:00.002+08:00

omg. i'm crying like nuts. sweeeeetttt
post-exam indulgence. (edit: don't worry!! drama serials hehe)

realise i can't tell when some people are joking. i take them too seriously :(
i never knew anyone can see such good in the most little things. the good that i had not realised myself. it's such a comfort to know that judgements can be so.. harmless. :)

turning… too girly for my own good. or perhaps i've just been this way all along :X

it's not wrong to feel so i shall face my feelings... for all that i have felt.
dislike. you. :)

wheeeeeee (sth i wrote amid during exam period ><)
was there a contract? well, offer and acceptance. consideration. intention too.
were there terms? or merely representations? i guess... misrep? don't want to think of it as fraudulent. haha
vitiating factors? rendered contract voidable?
discharge? partial performance? was there breach of contract? it made further performance impossible, so yep. but repudiatory breach does not lead to automatic discharge. what if IP stupidly chooses to affirm it?
damages.. unmeasurable. remedies? maybe cus it's non-pecuniary loss, none.

hahaha woooOO big big news. after 6 years of deliberation, i.pierced.my.ears. :) hehe

What does this do?

2010-11-16T23:28:00.001+08:00

well, you can say something, ask me something.. anonymously :)

Ask me anything

stay strong and optimistic baona!

2010-11-16T23:25:00.001+08:00

who are you! haha. thank you much :)

Ask me anything

2010-11-16T23:20:00.003+08:00

i came home early today. cus i couldn't seem to study. very scared. imperative to sleep early tonight. right after i post this.

a thought crossed my mind this morning and i just want to write it down here.
i hope to be able to study even when i grow old. i can't think of a better way to spoil me.

she scared me today. very much. ):
every time i look into her eyes, i am reminded that she loves me more than anyone has ever.

2010-11-16T01:40:00.004+08:00

finally a break from meetings and lessons.

went to sentosa on sat :)
barclay's singapore open. it's an interesting experience. didn't know so many people actually share this hobby :)
uss looks different in the day. i kind of like the place :)
then hc ord party! awesome planning. cannot believe i've almost lost sight of what's fun :X

last week was one crazy week. mainly because of aw. i should have started writing earlier. things can only fall into place then hai. thankyou thankyou. i missed my family after 2 days! (not that they didn't hehe)

i've always been rather harsh on myself i guess. feeling horrible about how i lack discipline. how i can't seem to prioritize. how i get inconsiderate towards people. how i feel insecure so so often, thinking that people no longer bother about me after a while (yh&lk pointed out how i function in friendships. i didn't realize i was.. so.. different from them.) more critical of myself than anyone could be of me i guess.
but well, i'm enjoying life more already. sister's a positive influence definitely. :)

many times, i do see, i do feel. i wish i could just be a kid, do what i want when i want and stop worrying, stop thinking. if only it only affects me.

that said, i think i have developed a phobia. i try not to become close with people. how detrimental that is in this new environment. when i had always thought that bonds were so important btwn people.

2010-11-06T10:27:00.002+08:00

it's past midnight. supposed to be rushing work but my headache is distracting me big time. i can't find panadol around the home.

many things to update.

i miss some friends so so much.
guess they will never know man.

amid all the frustration, don't lose sight of what truly matters...
you know you have lost when you think life isn't great :)

school is changing me... i'm turning to cute stuff. omygdnessgahh.

田馥甄-寂寞寂寞就好MV完整版

2010-11-06T10:22:00.003+08:00

2010-10-27T14:18:00.001+08:00

yay!!! something to look forward to for the week! rarely do i get... excited. hehe. :D
i realise blogging is my escapade >< the laptop is so distracting! SLAY STATS!! i'm back in school on my free day!
as much as I seem to enjoy it,
i feel pathetic at times.
fleeting.

2010-10-25T20:05:00.004+08:00

i shall not be narrow-minded and dread that few hours lost. there's a time for everything.
wedding dinner was great. it's a privilege to attend one i think, witnessing the special moment of a couple and their loved ones, sharing the multitude of the most positive emotions with them. :)
looking forward to my sister's wedding.. (then my friends'... and mine! okay okay. thinking too much again :)) my sis had such much fun being a bridesmaid for her friend's wedding!

I just engaged in retail therapy :) slept so much in the day, every cell in me knows it's time to do work!!!!!!

i smile for nothing more now.
i never like unhappiness overnight. rather, i can't remember half the bad things when i wake up :)
but i have to remember this time.
the fact alone spells all the difference.

2010-10-23T13:58:00.002+08:00

sounds scarily optimistic, but i can't quite rebutt it, no?
i have the things and people i need what :)

many things to think about from yesterday's meeting.
just had my favourite ice-cream after a quiz on this cool saturday :)

i rather have this worry bugging me
aunt, i love you

2010-10-20T14:29:00.004+08:00

woots. it's mid-week10.

finally went to ntu again.
the hall is so... oldschool.. looks like those housing above shophouses in spore in the 60s. hehe.
had a meeting via skype at the same time.
i thought it would be a video conference though.

can add me on skype. haha. past few times had been fun enough. it's always great to see nice ppl :)

had a presentation yesterday.
thought i would be reading off script. you just CANNOT when you're there in that seminar-style room i guess. i was shaking everywhere, but well, it's quite exciting actually.... >< apparently i look PAIKIA. >< my realisation during lunch w nice people :) they had a hard time convincing me that it's not all that bad... mmm missed my last train 2 times. definitely last bus too that is. urgh gosh. free days are for me to replenish sleep. no longer guilty about such occasional indulgence. haha ><

i rested the entire morning, time for some work!

looking forward to dinner later :)

2010-10-17T10:14:00.001+08:00

after the usual meetings… I finally went k-ing! :) hahaha
It's fun fun fun. the place is tiny but it's $6 on a Saturday!
it's our very first outing after yrs :D
felt so comfortable with these people that i didn't mind trying highly challenging songs. hahaha. 'freestyle' is coool
but we didn't take photos when i had my mac with me! nvm i'm sure there'll be more to come yay :)

took some wrong turns before i ended up at swisshotel for wedding food tasting. :)
it was not long ago when i had to attend to such functions. hahaha.
i like good fish. hahaha.

my availability in nov and dec is greatly limited cus of my 3++ week trip -
1)26th nov to 2nd dec
2) 25th dec -2nd jan.

Please take it now! i really hope to have much fun during that time. hehe. :D

when i realise all i want is the reassurance that i have what i have <3

2010-10-15T08:03:00.004+08:00

i enjoyed LTB (leadership&teambuilding) event!
we're supposed to plan and execute a comm service proj from scratch. haha
even stayed over in school to pia the day before, but it was definitely worth it :)
the kids are so... adorable :)
i got to talk individually with some of them, esp those in tears... they felt so real :)
i felt very close to them just after a short while, but that just gets harder as we age..

my p2 form teacher still remembers me!
i remember some scenes so vividly. like writing to her to complain about a naughty classmate before. he bullied my friend, stepped on her!! he was called out of the classroom for a scolding after that. hahaha and more.. :)

i slept so much right after event from 7pm..
just kept waking up and falling asleep.
guess my subconscious mind knew that i was supposed to study for ANALYTICAL SKILLS exam..
mm.. went for a good lunch today, then it was LEADERS' PPTN!
i like my group members heheheh :D
i like the module too! haha and the prof!
for she made mugging for ltb mid yrs (40%?!?!) sound so... wrong >< right after AS exam, I thought i could study a little... apparently not. totally relaxed, laughing at the mac in the concourse. ><

there is one bad thing: my stats is so cui at this moment. really neglected it too much ):

thank you to THE nice people! :)

LET ME DECLARE. i am surviving the week! looking forward to the weekends. k-ing! :)

2010-10-11T23:32:00.013+08:00

Let me spill 10 facts about myself now. I just cannot contain them in me anymore.

1) Someone made me feel disappointed with friendship. I still remember what a friend said about his grp of friends and what they did to their despondent friend. Everyone's different. I ought to look at it positively. I will emerge stronger.
2) Yea so I am still trying to get over something. I know it’s been so long and I’m being such a loser.
3) How disheartening can reality get? Facts are facts. A friend affirmed that I am not overreacting.
4) It’s freakin hard.. I never thought it could be THIS distracting.
5) There are times when subconsciously, I write only partial experience or feelings that I want certain people to know, instead of brutal truths about myself like these.
6) I feel that SMU students just cannot afford to stop and emo. They are so in need of more sources of happiness/motivation. I feel the severe toll from the past two days already. Why must this be in WEEK 9?!
7) I hope this ends soon.
8) I still have family stuff to deal with.
9) Ironically, yet thankfully, I feel self-worthy and dignified.
10) I believe in love.

If you're reading cus you really care, please tell me. I need and want to know.

2010-10-11T12:04:00.006+08:00

i'm getting a little obsessed with blogging!

人都会变吧, 我相信起敢爱敢恨。很强烈。痛快一点，恨也好：）

我要把时间留给真正爱我的人，让我更懂，更爱他们：）

~~NO MONDAY BLUES~~ that's very very very wrong. haha.
ITS A MATTER OF TIME. yea mannnn

what is your favorite drink?

2010-10-10T22:11:00.001+08:00

hahaha. HMM variations of coffee/tea and fruit juices. :D

Ask me anything

2010-10-10T12:23:00.008+08:00

oh gosh. i woke up at 10+ today. hohoho.

correction: i slept the day away. i had 2 more naps?!!

ahah sis is away in bintan with brother-in-law. :D
who decided to come back for a few weeks, just after 1+ month of being apart hehehe

did project till nearly 2 at hougang on friday, staying over in sch next week too.
everything has just started.
the week ahead is gonna be... interesting.
research paper, mid term exam, proj execution@keming, stats proj, assignments wooo

it just dawned onto me.
i do not care what others think, about this..

correction: that was the breaking point. it was awful. :)

2010-10-08T01:00:00.002+08:00

今天的我又难过了
真的真的累了身体脑袋都罢工
选择逃离明天之前得完成的功课过去看看他们
结果把自己搞得更疲倦
回家的路上很狼狈

真的好重视带给我感动和快乐的人
同样的我却因为害怕败于现实而选择抽离
就好像不敢打搅眼中似乎已经很幸福的人
一样的道理吧
他们也许好久好久都不会知道

是自己不让对自己好的人靠近选择不被呵护
也是自己受不了这种重量很折腾
表面上越独立的人也许因为习惯逞强真的无需被特别照料
以为懂得自我保护却好像越会默默地被关怀感动吧

2010-10-07T01:30:00.000+08:00

我知道这世上有人在等我，尽管我不知道我在等谁。但是因为这样，我每天都非常快乐。
cool:)

2010-10-05T14:47:00.001+08:00

had some nice pizza and pasta yday :)

glad i chatted with aunt and bro yday night...

aunt is the most awesome person i have ever ever seen.
so strong, so loving.
she is trying so hard, taking such great care of herself for her loved ones.
i love her x 10000000000000..

2010-10-04T16:37:00.000+08:00

i have said all that i could.

hebe's songs are awesome!
i want to play mahjong, k and fly kite this recess week!
i shall master the high tech boys games on friday

glad the outing turned out great
glad i tried staying and know i never want to again
glad i chatted with mum today

yay going out with sis. :)

王力宏「你不知道的事」

2010-10-03T13:01:00.004+08:00

heh. i like the movie :))

2010-10-03T09:55:00.002+08:00

reminder to myself: i do not need to prove anything. :)

the month is over in a blink!

thank you, thank you, thank you for making every little thing better :)
some actions might be little, but without them, i won't be feeling as blessed :)

don't judge. some people don't look like they are there to stay initially. even after years. then, you get used to their existence. you love them for what they are, what they do. :) and you know you never want them away anymore. :)

realise it's fate that brings us together. it didn't occur to me that it's hard to make friends.
the people who appeared in the past years really entered my life. the time was right i guess. i want to meet up with them, hear from them, tell them about myself. :)

meeting so many people everyday in uni, just how many am i friends with? i cannot tell.. everyone talks to so many everyday, but many talk out of convenience. few put in additional effort.
perhaps it's the fault of my need to feel special.

aah.. finally realised it's a blessing in disguise.. after years. relieved.

lesson learnt: love has to be given to be felt :)

recess week is here!

---
the cambridge hit and run upsets me. i'm still feeling it. the untold words, unmade promises and unfulfilled dreams. gosh. please love.. and allow yourself feel loved too! now ): gosh.

2010-09-21T10:48:00.001+08:00

IT BUGS.

2010-09-20T08:46:00.003+08:00

It's a new week ahead! :)

I always attempt to express feelings here, which makes blogging really hard. It really drives me crazy at times.
OH WELL

I didn't go hiking as intended!! missed out on the monitor lizards, mudskippers and crabs. )):
No idea why I couldn't stop sneezing yday, but still decided to go!! :) and received a big hug cus i was missed aft such a short while hehe. so cute. :)
had dinner with family and fourth auntie's family at crystal jade. not bad.
my cousin's doing well, growing up :) i was grumbling about watching shooting for yog, but it allowed me to understand her sport! there's a reason for everything i guess :) she's in the national youth team :) very nice to talk to and zipai with :))
haven't played for squash for some time. we're all missing it already!

i need little things as mood boosters! toots hope i get it later, actually the thought of it is working wonders! :)
time for aw and blaw. :)))))

2010-09-17T17:44:00.001+08:00

i never believed it's that hard to be happy.
but why am i feeling this lethargic these days.
it's getting extreme.
i want to do many things, and i know they can make my day.
but i don't know how to choose.
i feel... overwhelmed.
then i end up not enjoying anything at all.
worse, i end up screwing things up.
how pathetic.

how can one retract concern all at once?

school is not all that an unfeeling place,
just that i haven't found somewhere i belong.

sorry, let me sound totally pathetic this time.

2010-09-15T06:54:00.010+08:00

surprisingly i'm picking up squash. :) finally understood why 74s used to play so often. :)
love the waters too, awesome respite in town :)
and the tracks if not for my poor soles.
nepal. SHH i haven't told my parents. =x
missing the stage a little. oh well! :)
it's hard to build bonds from what i have chosen, but i have learnt to love just what i have, a little more everyday :)
no one's perfect, but we can tolerate with some idiosyncrasies better in some than others. and that's what love is about? :)

went back to keming, it's such a loving environment :)

WEEK 5. very scared.

she said it's instinctive for people to get away.. why am i doing this to myself.

2010-09-10T12:34:00.001+08:00

when this is over,
i will then be the happiest i have ever been.
ever. :)

2010-09-08T09:30:00.004+08:00

today will be better than yesterday :)

I was feeling displeased with myself for not blogging more consistently for the past months.
I had conveniently excused that I ought to learn to live in the present. having said that, i have the tendency to live in the past.
since 9th July when I returned from the States, there were days of camps, yog, hangouts, lessons blah. if you did see me smiling, laughing, those were the priceless moments of joy. thank you! :)

oh, i learnt something about myself that explains much of my behaviour, all my fear, my restlessness, messiness, 'spasticity', randomness, impulsiveness, irritability, lateness. The chemicals aren't working in my favour, but i will do something about it. when it's confirmed, perhaps i will tell. and hopefully, loving people can tide me through :)

time is everyone's most precious asset. When you really value something, you will spend time on it. sweet. :)

I shall organise my thoughts a little more everytime i blog alright. :)

2010-08-31T10:26:00.002+08:00

yes, it's thumping like crap. sour like nobody's business. it's like free-falling, 10000metres every second, down the abyss.

stop!!

take risks. take risks. because anyone and anything can hurt. and i want to risk it.

stop feeling bad, stop feeling tired, stop feeling stupid.

I can't be the best, but i can try to be better everyday. watch me :)

2010-08-20T08:46:00.000+08:00

school has started!

a pack of lies.

2010-08-14T09:12:00.001+08:00

People around me seem to quarrel or ignore one another less now, including myself. One good way to put it is people are concentrating their energy on the positive things in life, negative emotions are not one of those.
Yet, is there a possibility that people do not bother to because they are preoccupied by their personal well-being, significant others, simply because you pale in comparison.
As time passes, people who value such relationships more let go too. In the end, we conclude that true friends are few and rare. How sad, especially when it holds much weight in my heart.

At times, I try too hard for some things, too little for others. I cannot help putting blames on myself. Yet, I marvel at the people who still stay with me when I am so far from imperfection, when I have yet to find the fine balance in so many things. thak you. :)

2010-08-11T16:36:00.002+08:00

i realise i want a place i can stay forever.
acquaintance, friends or lovers. anything. make it last.

2010-08-08T23:17:00.003+08:00

窗外的啸声带有悠悠的忧愁，久久不止，华灯初上，原来也可以如此耐人寻味

the ones who love will never really leave.

I have so much things to say, will you listen?

oh i love the kids. They did not hate me for giving them too much work. Earlier, they proposed that I should play games with them, like hangman. SoI tried giving them a break this time, they drew me on the board. they looked happy. and i like myself when i'm with them :)

2010-07-12T09:03:00.268+08:00

Going on a holiday properly with the family for the first time, dining and sightseeing as one. :)

Family –

This mighty bunch of people, I love them, more and more every time. haha. A true testament that love grows :)
As I browse through the photos (thousands of them=x) we had taken together, I just found each of them more adorable, more awesome! I think it is because of the love I felt between the characters in every of the pictures.
I learnt more about each of them during the trip. How rare it is to be able to give our undivided attention to one another. The two weeks were great but because they are people who matter so much, there can never be too much of such quality time. I think putting in the effort to understand loved ones is a lifelong affair. As all of us grow and gain new experience, along with people who come and go, our habits, perspectives, ideals change. When we no longer try to understand or keep up with the changes, we would have made a choice to let distance take the toll on the relationship.
It was a great time for me to catch up with all their lives. Some of the problems were resounding and we had to do something about them.
I love the morning strolls with the family around the serene neighbourhood, where we would check out people's gardens and wave to the friendly passers-by, stopping for a photo every so often. Then sipping hot coffee and snack at Starbucks at the corner of the road, or just at home.
The company that felt so right, the people whom I could embrace with open arms, for they forgive and deeply care. I want to love them not because we had incidentally come together as a family, not because they are always there for me, but because they really want to understand and care, just like I do. I know I have their love for good, and it feels blissful to be able to share the wonderful sights and sounds the world has to offer with them :)

Really wished aunt could be there with us.

Sister & Brother-in-law and their cozy home -

Sister has been away for so long. I rarely get to see her in person for the past 9 years, but whenever I do, I cannot help but marvel at the wonders of genetics, how we resemble in the most amazing ways.
One thing about being 20 that I am glad for is our age gap no longer seemed as intimidating as before. We can share our thoughts, interests and feelings now. She no longer has to spend much time telling me off, or try so hard to get me to tell of my concerns.
It is such a joy to doll up with her in front of the two full length mirrors in her room, then approach the car with similar paces, and off we left to shop in malls or marts, go on visits and tours or just simply to run errands.
She supports my brother and me to do just what we want as much as possible, so that we can have no regrets. As I was chatting with my parents one night, they replied that what they really want of the three of us was for us to be happy. Though it might not come as unexpected, it is the promptness of their reply and the resoluteness in their voice that touched me. How sweet.
During the occasions when I was low and slightly upset with my sister, I reckon it had slipped my mind that she is another person with temperament, preferences and all, simply because she is just so amazing. :)
As for my brother-in-law, the trip made him feel less distant. Very hc, HAHA. Thank you much for the bliss I could feel from my sister :)

I gain insights about paying attention to the important things in life, being able to spend, whatever amount, to give one what he wants is bliss, being able to share what he enjoys, too. Keeping the money, the time away from loved ones just does not make sense, what are they for then? :)

Las Vegas
I could not quite understand why we were going to somewhere warmer than my homeland initially. 40 degree celcius is no joke..
The city of sins. No less. Haha. Many highly-animated people, almost rowdy, giving out interesting photo cards to passers-by day and night, just like how people give our flyers as you exit MRT stations here. Hotels after hotels, each featuring a different theme, one can travel across countries and continents in minutes. Egypt (the Pyramids), US (The Statue of Liberty) and Paris (the Eiffel Tower) can just be side by side. (Not all that near because each hotel is just huge) The landmarks are life-sized, really great imitations I must say. All of them seemed to be trying hard to establish their unique identity, by rearing lions or whales, keeping aquariums and gardens.
I really enjoyed the first night Sis, Bro and I went out together. We sat down by the streets to snack and drink after hours of jostling in the crowd. It was past midnight by the time we began to make our way back to the hotel, the crowd had dispersed. I can almost feel the breeze then– exhilarating! Though Mum seemed worried sick, we were just not exactly apologetic because she had left to play without a word with Dad earlier!
I love chilling out in cafes with the family, something we never do back here, Starbucks usually, because it is just everywhere in the States. We could snuggle together in cozy arm chairs to chat about anything, take photos of one another.

Oh.. and I like dueling piano. hehe :D

Canada – Banff, Lake Louise, Jasper, Calgary

This country used to sound so faraway, just even months ago. We visited the National Parks, in the middle of the Canadian Rockies. It was a deliberate attempt to escape the hustles and bustles of the city, after Vegas. The cold was revitalising. I could not stop smiling once we stepped out of the plane because I simply adore seeing French at every turn of the corner. Our first dinner seemed to be the start of all marvels! The fortune cookie I had then must have had something awesome written on it. It is a signature of Chinese restaurants; they give one to every patron. We had quite a few since my parents had made known by then how much they wanted Chinese food.
We rented a car to travel around the vast wilderness and brother-in-law drove us around all day (thank you!).
Animal-spotting was one activity all of us could enjoy together. Much time was spent on it during our drive since we had to be on the move since our destinations are few hundreds of kilometers away.
So we could only hope that more animals actually walk to the sides of the roads. Well, an easier way is to just stop when you see other cars stationary by the road, because someone has probably spotted something so we could join in the rest to share the reap.
(Our achievement: 8 Black Bears + numerous elks, deers and goats.)
I wanted to be the car that makes others stop and we really did that lovely evening when we spotted our Black Bear 7 and 8! They were so upclose, we could watch them live their routine, graze, drink by the creek.
We did hiking off-trail to get to a waterfall. It was much longer than expected. Probably because parts of where we went were covered with snow and closed to public just a month ago, the place felt really untouched. We had to find the best way to move amongst the fallen trees and snapped branches, some wet and some slippery. We also hiked uphill. My parents enjoyed their burgers and tea in the highest restaurant in the area, but I vividly remember myself thinking that views like the one from the summit was what make working hard worthwhile.
I recall marveling at the beauty of the rainbow cast upon the waterfalls; feeling overwhelmed by the force of the falls, snow-capped peaks, lush greenery, and just clear aqua lakes. My five senses were engaged all at once so often. I guess the reason behind the thousands of photos and videos was really because it was the closest we could get to holding on to the sights. And awe-inspiring is probably the most apt word I could use to describe many of them.
Meanwhile, my dad, who has been rearing birds for ever since, finally got me to understand the joy of bird-watching. Haha.
Walking on the glacier was an incredible experience. Setting foot on snow, on ice, on rubbles, I thought I would not be able to make it through. The people who went on the Ice Walk with us were really accommodating, especially since most of them were probably used to walking on snow. We could not get nearer to the Icefields, but where we stood was already surrounded by snow, and more snow. Some were melting, forming little streams. It was also awesome to see the passion in the mountaineers' eyes.
We stayed in lodges along the way, I really enjoyed being in the hot tub in the cold with my lovely siblings.
I love the picnics we had by the scenic lakes and open meadows. Dad would be feeding the little squirrels, mum taking pictures, everyone eating happily together. Mum would always be taking photos of us, though Dad always went first :)
I am so glad my parents got closer during the trip. They are the very conservative kind, I never see them hold hands before. Mum bought themselves rings from one of the souvenir shops on top of a hill and we made them exchange it there. The ring never left my mum’s finger since, sweet :)

San Francisco & Bay Area

Awesome.

Strawberry picking - Everyone had fun working together. The best part was watching my mum grin from ear to ear, probably one of the widest smiles i have seen her wearing.

Wine-tasting- I prefer wine to beer, and really like the wine bottles, the glasses, the cellar, the vineyards, everything about the breweries we went to. (Then again, how could I still be underaged haha)

Gay Pride Parade- One of the must-sees in life. Just google :)

Taming of the Shrew- We relished the joy of watching a play with a passionate cast. The show was much above my expectations, and I think the atmosphere was a plus point. Chairs set cozily on a pretty small field in a high school, everyone watched the play in the cold under the clear night sky, under a blanket sipping hot cider. :)

Sister's friend's farewell party-
It is a party with mostly Singaporeans. Admittedly, i felt rather intimidated at times speaking with these graduate students, but well they are amiable ppl. Just like other friends, some people in the clique just click while others do not. Well, it does feel good to take a backseat and observe and listen more at times :)
Oh it was great watching world cup with them :)

Henna Party (Pre-wedding)-
The marriage is a union of a Romanian and an Indian. They looked great together. The barrier between the two families seemed hardly visible (by the way, i recently read that 1 out of 7 weddings in the states is inter-racial. I suppose that is one of the draws of the US.) I got to try authentic Indian food, pretty different from the ones in Singapore. Friends and relatives from Germany, France, Romania, India fly to the bay area to attend the wedding, how awesome to have loved ones come together :)

Visiting markets in the bay area is a MUST. :) Be it Farmers' Market, Trader Joe's or Milk Pail, I was really intrigued by the eclectic choices available. The delight food can bring should be embraced. :)
And so I shall cook and bake more! :) I tried quite a bit at my sister's place, namely almond tuille, zucchini pie, chicken breast dijon, banana bread, muffins (w cheesecake topping), italian herb buns. Haha.

Berkeley - I was welcomed by the delectable yoghurt, toured the school and then had dinner at a Jap restaurant before climbing the hill to watch sunset! It was a breathtaking view of the east bay area. Nice to see friends helping one another, and oh boy, the singing part was awesome. I find it hard to sing around many people, especially people I just met =x but well it was very heart-warming, to relive the oldschool memories with my bestie from elementary school (that's how I was introduced lol) and her nice friends, both from hc hahaha. :)
Living in a dorm was fun! And it was my first time slping over with yt. I want your massage! Sharing room with an African American, chatting with salespersons, spending much time at h&m, shopping, having oreo cheesecake at cheesecake factory (best ever), speaking my mind at times, yet comfortable with silence at others.

On my last day, Sis and I went to the Cal Acad of Science, Fisherman's Wharf, Boudin Bakery, Ghiradelli Chocolate.. It was a great way to conclude my visit, learning together with sis. SF was exceptionally cold that day.

Oh, every meal is a delightful snippet too, like the different types of ramens i tasted there - all spicy (woots), jap korean chinese thai, italian seafood (wearing the bib with a huge red crab on it), mexican, buffet (those at Las Vegas were gatisfying. HAHA). and of course the awesome homecooked ones where sis, bro-in-law and i just sit together to eat and chat till late. Cozy :)

Others: Going across the Golden Gate bridge with family in the strong wind, watching lifehouse perform at the Golden Gate Park as everyone picnicks, touring around SF Garden, walking around Google, going on school tours, playing Golf, going for community events, watching fireworks for Independence Day.. - awesome, more so with the company :)

And of course, my sister's graduation. Congratulations! :)

The flights to and fro SF, Vegas and Canada. The 21-hour return flight was my first one alone. Shopped at Seoul during transit. Watched so many movies and TV serials in the 40-hour journey to and fro. Well, it is a good time for me to catch up with all that I have missed out on.

Some highlights of my trip, probably still some things left unmentioned. Well, I had fun and yep, awaiting more to come. :)

i like to be missed, as much as I would miss. thank you to those who said they did heh. i try to tell now :)
just as how i would be sad to feel like people do not care i guess. i really dislike it, because that's a choice, and that is a choice that results in distance.

2010-06-07T09:42:00.001+08:00

aunt is hospitalised again. half her body is so weak now. the dreary words from the doctor set my heart heavy. it's almost impossible to tell the gravity of her illness from her appearance, for her feeble body holds the strongest spirits. i am so proud of her, she proved the doctor wrong once. I believe she will do just so again. :)

even though phone was out of batt, i enjoyed myself the past few days :) i was just myself, really liked the genuine smiles and random words of encouragement. not to mention the little talks. the spontaneity at many times, being tired, screwing up, seeking quiet moments. haha. it made everything much easier. life is not always a struggle. :)

when you want something badly enough, the world conspires to help you achieve it. :)
my wish in my previous post came true. :)
just tells me that you do not want it enough. does not matter anymore.

i shall keep believing now.. because i can. :)

wishing hard for my dearest aunt.

2010-06-02T13:51:00.000+08:00

Have the urge to blog finally.
I have just got to start somewhere.
Very touched when I read of how happy my sister was. She graduated. I could almost hear of the hard times she had, be it struggling with herself, her peers, her profs, or the highly volatile experimental results.
I am learning to love myself more everyday.
Becoming more certain of what I want too. Came up with 5 reasons yesterday. Been feeling and learning a lot these weeks I wished I had blogged more often!
This is my first no 9-6pm week in a long long time. not bad. sleeping a lot more. :)
I want to believe that we can have expectations, as much as how we have to accept it when things/words turn out different from what we had hoped for. learning learning :)
Kite-flying was funnn, I managed to raise 4 kites for wheelchair-bound ppl. (when I can’t exactly do one for myself =x)

wishing hard for something! not a secret. :D

2010-04-18T10:05:00.002+08:00

可以畅谈
不是因为我已经摆脱彷徨无助沮丧
只是少了一点点埋怨，多了一点点勇气
我不再向往幸福生活，只想要一直更努力快乐。

昨天有个陌生人，双手绕着我。我怕了。

2010-04-13T07:27:00.000+08:00

wake up! time to call for change. :)

2010-04-02T13:08:00.003+08:00

how would i know if i'm thinking too much actually? ASK.. whoa.

take the energy to dwell in pity to garner strength.
take concern and nice things as incentives.
hard.
actually, i think being able to let someone take happiness for granted is sort of... noble. just have faith that she knows how to appreciate. :)

fight for what you want. if you are sure of it.
cus no one is more certain than you are of the outcome/future.

2010-03-28T11:32:00.004+08:00

梦到巨浪一波一波从高处袭来，往我大力击打，虽然旁边有很多人，浪却只冲着我来。
我知道自己受宠，却无法否认不顺心的事真的挺喜欢找上我

好一段时间了，我忘记了自己的需要，把想要的当成奢望抛在脑后。
不知道自己何时开始觉得可以接受就好,忘了让自己过得更好并不是罪过。
盲目地，拼命地，让自己没有空档
让自己没有时间多想

一个人的感觉很真实
两年来没有同学，没有校友，没有室友
不说出需要想要的偏执，也许是因为自己真的已将它们否定。
生日时伸手向多日不见的好友要祝福竟然有些不真实
已经好久没有这样做了

好朋友有了爱他们的人，我会靠一边站。至少从两件事情中发现，我对两个人这样做没有错。以后其他不知道怎么办。在他们伤心时，我很想在他们的身边，因为寂寞会加倍。很早以前我就这样觉得。可以的话，真的不想看到他们受伤，重要的不是伤心的理由，而是情绪的深浅，因人而异。
可有时自怨自哀中的我竟卑微得选择先行离去，不想追问了...

在校园里，需要陪伴时，可以若无其事地走到朋友的class bench，没有人会多加质问，就算问你什么事，没事也可以是回应。否则，像我可以稍期望朋友会走过问候，至少友善打招呼，闲话家常，暂时躲离不安,偶尔还能驱走伤感。人来人往，陪伴无需刻意

我讨厌现在每个人相约才聊天的现实，不喜欢需要把几个月的情绪和事情累积来说，因为谁又知道说话的人是如何挨过期间的哀愁，对呀，伤都会好的,难道过程就不能比较重要一点吗？

很喜欢我那几个好朋友
有时好想讨一个大大的拥抱,让此起彼伏的心加些安定,却就是不会。也许我就是在努力掩饰那20岁女孩挺大个身躯里需要关怀与安抚的心

渐渐的，只能把每一个曾经现在和将来美丽的拥有，当成是恩赐，真的很不是滋味

好一段时间没有在周末晚上走在大街上逛街，偶尔这样一走就发现自己有多盲目，不久后又会忘记。而谈他们的周末活动成了嗜好
生活与快乐并不难，但发现自己已经渐渐失去恍然大悟后为自己的快乐努力的动力了

2010-03-24T07:22:00.000+08:00

i eat when i feel unhappy these days, can't imagine how much i have eaten in the past 1+ week.

many things are driving me nuts. i kind of lost my direction. gave up on my pursuit.

yet again.

街挤满了欢笑
太不适合眼泪凑热闹
快跑快寻找无人的转角
不优雅时候一个人最好
未来不来了地球继续绕
躲回温暖的梦我一个人就好

有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药